The zucchini that ate my cottage house

Is there a Guinness Book of World Records authority in the house, because today I must tell tale of a zucchini that attempted to eat mine.

It started, as I’m sure all good stories do, with the Herculean task of hauling hundreds of pounds of dirt up a hill to my mother’s garden to a just-constructed planter box that would soon be filled with said dirt and a variety of vegetable seeds. What I didn’t know about this dirt was that it was composed of magical properties the likes of which result in killer zucchini. Were I a more studious reader of Greek epics, I probably would have seen that twist coming.

Fast forward several months to my sister unceremoniously handing me a well-worn canvas tote bag that contained this healthy fellow.

Allow me to offer more perspective.

▲▲ That there is the zucchini situated alongside a few common household items, like a 13-inch Macbook Pro.

And here is the zucchini situated alongside almost the entire length of my arm. ▼▼

Weighing 6 pounds, 5 ounces¹ and clocking in at 22 inches² long, I’d like introduce to the world the newest addition to our home. It’s a zucchini. In lieu of gifts, please send recipes, tips, and tricks for dealing with such blue-ribbon worthy produce.

¹ This is only a guess, based purely on my weight-estimating abilities, such as they are. I failed to actually weigh this sucker.

² See above notation.

But seriously, the zucchini is currently taking up multiple gallon-sized bags worth of space in my fridge. Send help immediately.

SIGNED, anya elise