below average olympics

DENVER — In another day of thrilling athletic feats, the reigning champion of two left feet narrowly managed to save a full mug of coffee from falling from the countertop to its utter destruction.

Anya Semenoff shocked the world when she saved the freshly brewed morning beverage without losing so much as a drop. In the slow-mo, instant replay of the event, spectators watched her eyes go very wide, hands fumble around the slipping mug and at the last possible second return upright the tumbling cup.

Olympics officials still have not come to an agreement if they will be FedExing Semenoff’s medal directly to her home in Denver, Colo., or if they will insist that she picks it up in person at the IOC headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland. Though not used in the recent Rio Games, Semenoff has been seen wearing a handcrafted ivy wreath upon her head. Eye witness reports suggest she made it herself from vines found taking over her patio fence.

“I am just so pleased that I was able to save the coffee in its entirety,” said Semenoff, once she had collected herself from the feat’s requisite surge of adrenalin. “That’s really the most important thing. Rule number one is don’t waste the coffee.”

Semenoff’s early life prepared her for her triumph of 2016. From a young age her rather unmanageable limbs habitually flopped about, knocking into walls, chairs, and sometimes a dish or two. This trait — first noted in her as an overall bodily floppiness while still an infant —  inspired the nickname “Floppy.”

With the Olympics now over, Semenoff will take some time to visit with her family and catch up on her reading. She also hinted at a hope that a personal Wheaties box would be in her future. Or at least a Folgers can.